Your sweatshirt smells like him. Guard your heart. What am I doing with my life.

Where am I?

Wow. I don’t even know whats happening in my life latley, I wish I could make a mind map and figure out where the hell I am. One minute I’m fantastic and motivated and I know whats giong on and its all good, the next I can hardly lift my head off the table. I feel so alternatly full of God’s love and so trusting, and just so ridiculously empty and lonley.

I know that God is teaching me SO MUCH and right now, the challenge is just to listen and follow.

Love is Patient….

What a difference a year makes. Last year I woudl have given everything to have him asleep on my futon while I dinked around on my computer, tried to nap, whatever…. and now there he is out of no act of mine, and I don’t really care all that much, its nice to hang out with him, I desire to cuddle with him just for the act of cuddling, but not because I want to be possesive of him, or because I need it from him like last year.  Best man and Maid of Honor…. everyone seems to think the same things, except us now I guess

Life is weird. “The desire of love is to give- the desire of lust is to take” Something I didn’t really think was all that true, but for some reason scribbled down for posterity anyway, and now it sits directly in front of me, and I keep reading it, and I keep thinking about it.  I’m still not sure I’ve got it down, but I’ll let you know when I figure it out

Vrrrrooooooom.

I feel like everything is changing so fast I can’t even write it down before I feel something completly new.  One minute I can’t handle life and just want to crawl into a hole, i feel useless, i feel broken (but not broken enough) I feel tired. The next I’m happy, I’m flirtatious I’m hopeful and life is good… what is up with this?

God is challenging me to grow, to trust, to be ok with where I am, and I’m trying, and sometimes I’m succeeding, right at this moment I feel good. I cleared the night of distraction to have time to hang out with my friends and get a ton of homework done. But by 10pm tonight I may very well feel desperatly alone and hurt.

I do feel the need to post the broken cup metaphore-I realized the other day a good way to sumarize how I feel about my broken-ness. I WAS broken. That isn’t the problem, but I put myself back together. Think about a cup, what is the purpose of a cup? to hold water of course. If the cup can no longer hold water then it is broken. It’s a mess, its in pieces and it needs to be put back together or discarded.  I was broken, back in the day I was so broken. But because there was no other option I put myself back together.  This is ridiculous now and I don’t feel like typing it

I’m a sucker for rings and babys…..

Feelings?

Sometimes I go through so many feelings in such a short amount of time I don’t even know how to deal with myself. I go from fine to sort of sad to pissed off to nervous to lonley to pissed off to bitchy to who even knows. I can’t handle it. I can’t handle being myself sometimes. I’m not broken enough to have Marshall run across campus to comfort me, because I don’t break down, I don’t need saving and I never have. But I’m not fixed enough to just be fucking fine. Its driving me insane. I’m so jealous of people who can be broken, people who haven’t dealt with their past yet becuase let me tell you dealing with it doesn’t make it that much better, it makes it old. People don’t care about old crap. Once they’e heard the story and told you how sad it is and that they’ll always be there for you. thats it.

Everyone has a reason for the way they are. Why don’t people get that? Why don’t I get it? People do things differently, that doesn’t mean its wrong, just because your boyfriends parents raised him differently than how your parents raised you doesn’t mean its wrong. Just because you think thats his broken doesn’t mean its wrong.  Maybe thats your broken.  Just because my parents raised me in two houses shipped back and forth weekly with boyfriends/girlfirends in and out over the ages doesn’t mean it was right or wrong. Everyone has a reason for the way they are, that means that I have a reason for the way I am yeah, but my dad has a reason for the way he is. and he was doing the best he could. Thats another fun fact of life. everone is doing the best they can, and just because its not your best doesn’t mean its not best. Its so straightforward but so hard to live out.  I want someone who cares, someone who calls when I disappear and someone who gets it, someone who knows when I’m depressed because I stop getting out of bed, someone who demands that I get help. Someone that helps me.

I saw a cute little sign today at my cousins house, it said “I believe in me because you believe in me” and I was like, wow thats cute I love it. But how UNTRUE. I believe in me because I don’t let me down, and if I do its my own fault. I believe in me because I know whats important to me. I want to count on someone like that I want to need someone not just to warm up my toes or fingers but to need me like I need them

On a side note, god bless little victories. a real hug. My god over a year and a real hug. Priceless

Bedtime.

Disclaimer.

w00t woo. I am not Kate Brown, sorry if you are Kate Brown and I stole your name for this blog… I just need a place to be honest, I feel like most people “out there” can understand that, I have blogs, two other blogs to be exact, one from my way past and one I update somewhat occasionally often.  But people know me, people read them and as infrequently or randomly as that is its gotten me in plenty of trouble over the last few years. I also have a journal, which I write in openly and honestly. But it feels good to get stuff OUT. Flung onto the interweb with abandon, who knows,  maybe some dashing 20something will find this, read this and fall in love with the real me. Maybe this is my destiny.

Maybe thats what I’m searching for, satisfaction. Its fucking all around me, money, friends, good times and late nights, boys, sex. Its everywhere and I don’t want any of it, because I’ve had it, I’ve had my so called fun and I want to feel good, I want to be beautiful when I’m shitty, I want to be alive.

I want so badly to believe
“that there is truth and love is real”
And I want life in every word
To the extent that its absurd.

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