Feelings?

Sometimes I go through so many feelings in such a short amount of time I don’t even know how to deal with myself. I go from fine to sort of sad to pissed off to nervous to lonley to pissed off to bitchy to who even knows. I can’t handle it. I can’t handle being myself sometimes. I’m not broken enough to have Marshall run across campus to comfort me, because I don’t break down, I don’t need saving and I never have. But I’m not fixed enough to just be fucking fine. Its driving me insane. I’m so jealous of people who can be broken, people who haven’t dealt with their past yet becuase let me tell you dealing with it doesn’t make it that much better, it makes it old. People don’t care about old crap. Once they’e heard the story and told you how sad it is and that they’ll always be there for you. thats it.

Everyone has a reason for the way they are. Why don’t people get that? Why don’t I get it? People do things differently, that doesn’t mean its wrong, just because your boyfriends parents raised him differently than how your parents raised you doesn’t mean its wrong. Just because you think thats his broken doesn’t mean its wrong.  Maybe thats your broken.  Just because my parents raised me in two houses shipped back and forth weekly with boyfriends/girlfirends in and out over the ages doesn’t mean it was right or wrong. Everyone has a reason for the way they are, that means that I have a reason for the way I am yeah, but my dad has a reason for the way he is. and he was doing the best he could. Thats another fun fact of life. everone is doing the best they can, and just because its not your best doesn’t mean its not best. Its so straightforward but so hard to live out.  I want someone who cares, someone who calls when I disappear and someone who gets it, someone who knows when I’m depressed because I stop getting out of bed, someone who demands that I get help. Someone that helps me.

I saw a cute little sign today at my cousins house, it said “I believe in me because you believe in me” and I was like, wow thats cute I love it. But how UNTRUE. I believe in me because I don’t let me down, and if I do its my own fault. I believe in me because I know whats important to me. I want to count on someone like that I want to need someone not just to warm up my toes or fingers but to need me like I need them

On a side note, god bless little victories. a real hug. My god over a year and a real hug. Priceless

Bedtime.